After a recent conversation I had with someone I hadn't seen in awhile, I was stunned to actually hear myself say "I am really in a place where I feel a good balance".
What's that all about?
You see, where I grew up, in the center of the Universe..."Ontariariario", balance appeared to be a hard thing to find. It was a large city with so much to live up to, at least, that's how I perceived it at the time. See, we were a single income family who had moved from the slow economy of the Maritimes in the late eighties, to the 'bright lights' as my grandparents call it.
My parents loved the concept that there was more opportunity there than lil' ol' Saint John, NB and sought a new adventure in their lives.
So I went to an elementary and high school in an affluent section of the city, where most families rolled in it, and my sisters and I rode our second hand banana seats from our modest bungalow to Beckers to rent movies and pick up milk for mom.
I really believe I've had a complex since that time which I havn't ever been able to shake.
Most kids may grow up in that very modest way and be cool with it, and dream that one day they'll have more. And then other kids would be oblivious to it, see thier daily activities as super awesome and just continue on being a kid. I just wasn't there and never was.
I continued on, well into my twenties striving, comparing the crap out of things (yeah, I still do this time to time, I won't lie) and justifying 'My Life", flattering myself, as though the world even tuned in to see how I turned out.
Ok, so I, I'm back to the present, and I'm saying this about having balance and all. I really meant it! Like, I really, really did and I sorta couldn't believe it and yet...here I am writing abou it all.
I like just about everything, my husband and our relashonship, my children and my role in their lives, our friendships, my personal time, our future in business despite the ongoing stress of potentially owning it and just...me as me.
I said almost just now because of that frustrating element of why the heck I can be 100% about everyTHING, all the TIME. There wasn't a switch that forced my thinking into what it is today, because there's always something going on which I beleive are the hurdles we must experience to have a truly rewarding life. Overcoming them and learning from them are essential in my minds eye.
The fantastic part of my little convo today was that I believed for one of the first times, that I actually don't give a rats ass anymore!!! (and that I just wrote ass!)
I really don't care if my life compared to anyone elses is better, stronger, happier, richer, dreamier...any of that.
I'm quite content with it, even with it's hair pulling moments, dreadfully nervous 'firsts' and of course it's joyousness . It's all good.
I'm 30 this year, and I'm thinking that has something to do with it...oh wait....does it just keep getting better??!!!!
4 comments:
Hey I was just reading your blog annd I thought Id try to give you my opinion as I totally see where you are coming from and we all share in the constant worry of life but............As a wise friend on Titanic once said you shouldnt worry so much my dear you'll give yourself a nose bleed LOL.
Sometimes you have to step back and think about how much you have instead of what you dont have. We are blessed to have what we have so many people have no where to call home...no family...and literally no money. I just somethimes think its easier to think about what you have been givin and where you are instead of where your not and what you dont have. It makes things easier, and gives you great appreciation for those people that wish they were you and wish they could ever be so lucky as to have a piece of what you have. Maybe looking at it this way will make things a little brighter:)
cool, thanks for that Amy. My post was pointing out that as I've gotten older, I'm able to see things 'brighter' and not care as much...
Ummmmm, I just read my FAVOURITE phrase ever, "Rats Ass". Thank-you for reminding me of times past. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as crazy as they seem, they seem normal to me, and I'm not a mom.
Yep, I think at 30 things do keep getting better...you're not counting down until 30 anymore, and can just go with the flow after that. All grown up.
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